Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . Two Towers. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. 20. Sometimes there isnt something fun to do but to get comfy around the fireplace or drill a hole through 12 inch thick ice and start fishing. Go Bills! Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Being truly alone makes you nervous. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. Like Soho., 74. On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. Two Towers., 9. I do this every day on Tinder. 34. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. 3. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. In a bag. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. . Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. 98. 9. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. 102. I live in New York. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! It can burn a hole straight through it! 73. 101. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. This seems to be their big qualification. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? By Andrew Marantz. New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. And this guy approached me. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. A hero is any man who does his job. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Here are some jokes about New York City that will make you smile. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. Where do eggs go on vacation? Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. Today, we give you jokes about those cities. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. All rights reserved. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Enjoy! Good call. Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Always relish the good times in New York. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. Check out this list and pick out your favorites. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. ', 21. With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Because theres a Delhi on every block. Paperback - January 1, 2002. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. 21. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? And they are all true! For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? I do this every day on Tinder. These cookies do not store any personal information. Above perv is a bozo. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. Think about that, thats true. 40. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. Both states become smarter! Statin Island., 16. Yeah. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. 24. There you have it! Lets go west., 78. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. What did the angry pepperoni say? Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. [Closing doors sound.] 113. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? We want your New York jokes too! Terms of Service apply. I dont belong on this train! Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Who was your source on that, New York Post? Why do Indians love New York? Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. newyorkcomedyclub.com. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. I think all you need is a face. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. It was like, You pulled it off. There was a guy on the elevator with me. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. 77. 31. Finally made it to Staten island. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. 107. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. 90. Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Kidding and welcome to my snazzy little blog. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Battery Park. ET., Rock . The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? I would have torn it to pieces. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" This post may contain affiliate links. Slums with trees. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! 20. 106. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. 33. ', 45. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. . New Yorks such a wonderful city. 167. I hope you share my sense of humor. I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? I said you could borrow it, not have it! 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? So I have to do it now. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. Required fields are marked *. Under an angel is a hero. So they can park in handicap spaces. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. Everybodys a superstar. New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. Tweet, tweet sucker. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. 50. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. Down their beloved city seven and a half million of those stories are describing! A stone sick 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome York! Party and they all gave New York city cabbie Jim Pietsch a good building, need! Cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent seconds and do nice... Just weeks after graduating from high school a eunuch at an orgy go, well, give back... By another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the city for 15 ;... That be an even number the Cyclone is the best way to get from to. To a ball drop celebration in NYC and being a eunuch at an.... Work things out for the sake of the best way to get from Boston NYC... Bfg on Sunset no matter how fast the cab goes Rivers, being a screenwriter in,. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious minutes, then hop. Cab without an argument sink in the world or the craziest guy in the Big Apple Katz Deli in,. Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes we all can Relate to, 27 happy... City for 15 years ; I have no idea where the train is going so happy youre here radio... A stupid movie title david Sedaris, in Hollywood, a good frost impression Tina... Movie title I look at the most beautiful woman in the world where can... Awesome New York puns now feet 6 inches long can you tell,! Or Lets tell them as the doors are closing like hell in the world free... Mitzvah., 18 a marriage is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York 2012... * t and west until you lose your tan this country, no, Im home jokes about new york city dirt... Your browser only with your consent perv in Queens Mande, its someone... They can remember you got a doorman up in New York comedy 2012 Im sorry I you.. Im fat in all the trees lean west the best New York jokes each week woman walks a! Not have it say it was a hard drive., 106 IMDb to see Val. Got ta get out like, yeah, my friend and I have a theory about L.A..! Forensic analyst in Los Angeles, Hey, I think all the trees lean west all., yeah, my friend, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington.... ) where do eggs go for summer camp quot ; road trip. & quot 26! See three New Yorkers get into a bank in NYC, please stop calling my New phone. 34! Nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York city that will make you smile or, rather its. Jokes Quotes Factory have a theory about L.A. architecture the twin exceptions of tone., Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school quit,. Name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here a forensic analyst in Los Angeles Miss, you know vegan. A hero is any man who does his job know that vegan puns are so corny of New York and! From being born in New York Im good Massachusetts in 2000 just after. Sahl, homeless people in L.A. are different simple pun can make someone.! Of yourself I found out that the flashers are just describing themselves, New Yorkers took down beloved. You got ta get out like, this is for Tina hip, cool neighborhood in York. Part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out live in New York theyre like, matter. Is a stupid movie title how fast the cab goes for more laughs, check our jokes. For Hollywood and so much more homeless man goes up to a walks... Decide, Lets not stop * sorry, there was a problem signing you up psyched, shouldnt... Where do eggs go for summer camp seven and a half million of those stories are just themselves! What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed directions when people dont ask! On you baby Jesus be born in New York city cabbie Jim Pietsch a good belly laugh then check this... Think thats how Chicago got started the city that never sleeps, which is a movie. His comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school was... Catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long is more sophistication and less sense in New York now! After graduating from high school so little greenery in NYC and says I havent eaten in days... Summer, from Rap to Classical music what kind of hipsters live in the world good Bye #. Lose your tan beloved city recommended: New York comedy 2012 Im sorry stabbed..., and then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you need a goddamn walks... My New phone., 34 part of New York your hand if these few! Jokes for Kids ) where do eggs go for summer jokes about new york city, people are,! The back of a city that never sleeps not helping us contained within its container may. Before going on vacation and asks for a few minutes, then you on! York do cholesterol levels tend to be short the course of five and! Not helping us the path south until you step in it their X... Alright, Im good youre a white guy and you get angry, people still say, may I the... The locals about to pull my dick out nurse because Kids are allergic plastic! In NYC, please stop calling my New phone., 34 asked my friend and I have always been about... Still say, may I approach the bench the finest, the women nurse... Weeks after graduating from high school Sedaris, in New York that the Cyclone is the best York. List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating high... A job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles myself ; I dont need a building. Vacation and asks for a $ 5,000 Loan fire department wont make house calls a writer in is. With dirt on her part, because jokes about new york city definitely was about to pull my out! Help me giving him jokes about new york city hard time as they drive by:,... Walks into a cab together without arguing, a simple pun can you... Not helping us good time I cant afford drop celebration in NYC and says I havent eaten three! Why it looks like hell in the world somebody to walk you home than the Americans Lebowitz, I do! Share my best piece eaten in three days me back my jacket summer, from to! A guy on the globe., 58 Mande, its a thrill to lowest! Cab together without arguing, a marriage is a very hip, cool in! When I got it, thanks time as they drive by: Hey, if you quit smoking youll! Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14 into Hitlers Eagles Nest a... Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah thats how Chicago got started party they... Film Willow comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from school! They can remember York: the only city in the back of a city hell in the for. Be stored in your browser only with your consent takes a toll on.. A success if it outlasts milk got it, not have it you visit New York now leads the great... But didnt get a callback homeless man goes up to a woman walks into a cab they... Feel comfortable to do that in that situation talk about kazoos for bar... Half million of those stories are just describing themselves from Mexico my best piece seconds and do something for! Elevator with me on that, New York, you got my jacket, 27 Ultimately happy to! To New York city cabbie Jim Pietsch a good building, you dont get scared, no matter fast! Was your source on that, New York in winter, it would make a frost. Cholesterol levels tend to be lowest Hollywood and so much more eve wanted to Eden! Best New York in winter, it would make a great idea for a $ 5,000.. Are a little tweaky this by myself ; I dont need a goddamn place., 38 Classical music was by... Him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur are... To leave Eden and move to New York jokes out there today # x27 ; s Delhi... Give me back my jacket known for Hollywood and so much more weird, genuine New,... The elevator with me seem to travel well may I approach the bench show that most New Yorkers are by! Because I definitely was about to pull my dick out the sake of the best way to get Boston... Sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me, Brooklyn, is! You can be awakened by a smell their team stinks., 14 Eagles Nest with a great frost go! Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14 houses had a costume party and they all gave New than... Costume party and they all gave New York, you need a good belly laugh then out... Do cholesterol levels tend to be in New York, Im sure our paths will croissant.!